The days I’ve dreaded have arrived.
We finished off the size three diapers we were gifted and I brought down the unfinished box of diapers Aurelia never finished. I pulled out the diaper, the one I had intended to put on Aurelia over a year ago, and put it on Behr instead.
In the same week, Behr began to get his first tooth. This is the first milestone Behr has met that Aurelia never got to experience. Eleven months old, and our sweet girl never had to endure teething pain here on Earth.
Sometimes, I wonder why, but all I can figure is God blessed her with a life that didn’t include teething.
Now, I find myself a mother of three, entering into an experience only for the second time. The closer we get to his eleven month milestone, the tighter my chest becomes.
Can I do it? Can I manage two past the age of eleven months?
Am I a mother of 3? Am I a mother of four? Or am I just a mother of 2?
The truth is, I don’t know.
I’ve had four pregnancies, three births, and yet, only two children spend their days beside me.
There are remnants of a little girl who lived in our home.
The bottom bunk bed she was intended to sleep in. Her clothes in the closet. A top drawer I can’t bring myself to empty. Pink toys. Photos around our home.
I know where she is, but the devastation of her empty bed cannot be fixed.
So often, I wish I could fix my pain—I wish I could heal the pain of others–but death is something only the Lord is capable of healing.
All we can do is support ourselves and those around us in the way God calls us too.
It’s challenging to remember death has been defeated when you are living out grief here on Earth. It takes courage to face difficult circumstances every day. It takes perseverance to remember the hope we have when sorrow weighs heavily on our shoulders.
Romans 12:2 has been a good reminder for me the last couple of weeks as I have wrestled with God’s sovereignty.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
While each day has new mercies, it also has new sorrows. I need the Lord renewing my mind as much as I need His new mercies. God has told me no and I find myself begging the Lord to do still change his mind. The Holy Spirit reminds me the prayer I need is one of transforming my mind.
I need my mind renewed so that I can feel sorrow over my little girl and simultaneously find joy in the little boy I get the privilege of watching grow up.
I need my mind renewed to have eyes to see the gift that not everyone gets—finishing the pack of diapers.
I need my mind renewed to remember that while there is evidence of a little girl who once lived in our home, there is now, a little girl running around in Heaven with much more there than my hands could have ever given her.
The days I’ve dreaded are here, but just like every day before, it is always an opportunity to hold everything I have loosely before the Lord and ask him to glorify himself in the ashes I hold.
And He will, because we serve the Lord of Lords who is faithful and always keeps His promises.