Silent Death
Thoughts on miscarriage, quiet deaths, and moving forward toward healing.
Miscarriage is devastating.
There is no hello.
There is no goodbye.
There is no burial.
A mother shares a heartbeat with her baby, until she’s not.
A mother carries a baby she loves, but never gets a chance to know them.
A father shares in the joy of new life, only to feel anguish in the death and physical pain of the woman he loves.
There are very few words to describe what it’s like for death to pass through a woman’s body.
This death is intimate.
This death is private.
This death violates the safe place we thought our bodies were.
This grief is held deep in the soul and it is never forgotten. In the midst of this, the Lord meets us in the deep and dark places. He brings light where there is darkness.
This past weekend I took to my instagram stories on thewursttimes to ask a couple questions:
What was the hardest part of your miscarriage?
Why do you think women stay silent about their miscarriage?
Two things came up over and over again in the responses:
My body failed to do what it was designed to do.
I felt silly for grieving what no one knew and grieving what I never had.
Today, I want to address these two lies and present a biblical perspective on miscarriage—maybe in a way you’ve never thought about before. In the end, I hope you feel edified, encouraged, and free to grieve the child loss you have experienced.
If you’ve never had a miscarriage, I hope you feel edified, encourage, and free to support another women as she is grieving her child loss experience.
In the end, I have a few ideas and resources for mom’s who have experienced a miscarriage and a list of things you can do if you have a friend experiencing loss.
Myth #1: It’s silly to grieve what no one knew and what you never had.
The word used by multiple women responding to my question was “silly” and I think that is an accurate description.
It feels like you’re a sad child who didn’t get a toy at the store they really wanted.
But you’re not.
You had a baby and you delivered a baby—no matter how short a time you carried your baby.
This child was a life with whom you shared a heartbeat.
This child was a life with whom you envisioned a future with.
This child was a life co-created in love to be loved.
There is nothing silly about this. It is real pain, real sorrow, real unmet expectations, and a real tragedy.
Psalm 139 reminds us that the Lord knit us together in our mother’s womb—and therefore, he knit your baby together in his/her womb. These verses also remind us that God knows us, He knows our thoughts, and He knows the days we will live out.
Life is not silly to the Lord.
Our lives are honored, they are valuable, and our lives are treasured by our Creator. He loves you. He loves the little baby in your womb that no one else knows about.
Truth #1: You are courageous to grieve a person God knit together in your womb, who you held in your womb for an ordained amount of time.
Grieve. Be kind to yourself. Remember the time you shared together. The heartbeat you shared and know as the Lord wipes tears of your eyes, he looks into the eyes of your baby, perfect and whole in Heaven.
When your arms ache to hold what your body knows should be there, ask the Lord to take a moment and give your sweet baby a hug up in Heaven for you.
Myth #2: My body failed to do what it was designed to do.
The lie stemming from this myth often ends with the thought, “It is my fault my baby died.”
When you start to dive into research on why your baby may have died you’ll find several things. You’ll discover that miscarriage is a baby who most likely didn’t implant correctly for one reason or another. You’ll find genetically (most likely) this baby had all sorts of problems, and if you dive in deep enough, you’ll find out that the male sperm’s low quality is often a huge part of the loss. (There could be a 100 other reasons as well, but we’re just talking generally here.)
I don’t think any of this matters when grieving your loss. Maybe the “why” can be helpful with future pregnancies and birth, but it doesn’t matter in the grief. While I have walked through the grief of miscarriage and child loss—almost simultaneously—I have found that if God himself came down and gave me the exact reason that my baby died it would not be enough in either account.
There is no reason strong enough for me to say I wouldn’t want my baby. There is no trade I would make, there is no obstacle I wouldn’t overcome to meet my children face to face and then raise them with the expectation of watching them live long beautiful lives.
Yet, we live in a dark and sinful world and the result of it is devastating: Death.
Death in the womb.
Death in our youth.
Death in our old age.
The problem is not your body’s failure.
The problem is not your husband’s body failure.
The problem is not that God isn’t good.
Another aspect of this is the idea that when someone dies, we need someone to blame—even if it’s ourselves.
If only we ate more protein.
If only we took more vitamins.
If only we had intervened earlier.
We think if we’d just do something different we can keep it from ever happening again. When we decide who is at fault and why they’re at fault, we are elevating ourselves into believing we are in control of the circumstances surrounding life and death. This goes against scripture, and requires a gentle and humble heart to combat this lie. The truth is we have no control. We can only do the best we can with the knowledge we have. This is why we must rely on a sovereign God who knows all and is in all.
So, back to the ultimate problem and wondering whose fault is this really…
The answer is already told to us Genesis 3:1 when a serpent ask Eve, “Did God really say that?”
Eve—convinced she could be more like God, convinced she would not die—ate the fruit. Instantly, her body began to die. Sure, the serpent was right, she didn’t die… immediately.
Actually, it was much worse. Eve watched her own children die before she could reach her own grave. Today, we share in the same story.
Sin has a cost.
When Adam and Eve ate of the fruit and introduced sin into this world, God told them two things:
“…cursed is the ground because of you; in sorrow you shall eat of it all the days of your life…” (Genesis 3:17)
“I will surely multiply your sorrow in childbearing; in sorrow you shall bring forth children.” (Genesis 3:16)
Often the word used today in those verses is “pain”. We think, “Childbirth is painful.”
I’d like to challenge this perspective—childbirth where a heathy baby is placed in your arms is not painful. I would have 100 babies with the longest and toughest labor instead of the loss of one child.
Childbirth is challenging, and it can be traumatic with physical painful. Don’t read this and think I am minimizing that—the heart of what I am saying is God wasn’t talking about the “pain” of childbirth.
He’s talking about death in our efforts to survive (to Adam).
He’s talking about the death of our children (to Eve).
So what is the truth in all of this?
Truth: God created the woman’s body to carry and deliver beautiful and healthy babies, but sin has twisted His beautiful design.
Devastated by sin, our bodies physically experience imperfections and the effects of a sinful world. The Lord hates this as much as we do which is why he sent his own son to pay the price for our sins.
God loved you and your baby so much that He wanted to create a way back to perfection. A way to commune with you and the people you love most. Therefore, Jesus died and three days later defeated sin, raising from the dead and declaring victory over satan and holding the gift of salvation out to us.
He stands with this gift at your door asking you if you want to be set free from all this sorrow, from all this suffering, and all this pain.
God is good and gracious to us in this way. His mercy and grace are unreachable. His providence cannot be matched. His love for your baby is more than you ever could imagine. He has created a way for you to be with your baby once again in Heaven.
Be kind to yourself. Blame is a tactic of the enemy. Death will not have the last word.
Today, if you have suffered through a miscarriage, I am so sorry you had to experience the pain. I want you to know God can comfort, heal, and redeem this pain. He is good and He is creative. He can always take our sorrow. and if we allow, turn it into something beautiful.
A few things you can do as you heal from a miscarriage:
Create a little box for your baby. For me, I bought a little keepsake box where I put the sonograms, pregnancy test, our announcement onesie I never got to share, little notes I received afterwards, etc. Doing this gave me some closure.
Name your baby. My husband and I gave our baby the name Lily, which means “pure”. This baby lived a beautiful life wrapped in his/her mother’s womb, and now spends life in perfection.
Take a day with your family to grieve the loss, sit with each other, and do something fun or productive. It could be the day it happens, the following, or even that weekend. We all have busy lives, but it is essential to slow down, allow yourself to process the immediate pain, and allow your body to heal.
Light a candle on your baby’s due date or on pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Sit in the grief. Let yourself process and grieve the loss. Remember you are not alone, the Lord is near to the crushed in spirit and broken hearted. So many women are facing the reality of loss. When you are brave enough to speak about it, you will also give the women you are in fellowship with the courage to speak of their own loss.
Tell the people you are in community with and allow them to love on you. Our local MOPS/MOMCo group brought Wesley and I a meal, a hope mommies box, and a bouquet of roses. The kindness of these sweet women were something we will treasure in our hearts forever. We do ourselves and our friends a kindness when we walk in community together.
A few ways you can support a couple walking through a miscarriage:
Provide the family with a Hope Mommies Box. This little box has support resources, a few small gifts, books on Heaven, and a handwritten note. This is a huge way to bless a mom experiencing loss.
Provide a meal. If you are low on time, providing food can be as easy as buying an already prepared meal from HEB or food platter from Sam’s/Costco. This simple gift allows a family to grieve and heal without worrying about feeding themselves or their other children.
Invite the mom and/or dad to coffee/lunch/dinner. This is another simple way to love and commune with a hurting family. Reach out, not just to the mother, but the father too. We often forget they are grieving and deeply wounded too.
Remember the due date. Put their due date on your calendar and give yourself a week reminder. Send a gift/card, drop off flowers, invite the couple over for dinner, or invite them out to do something fun with you. The impact of someone remembering their pain in the months that follow is going to stick with this couple for the rest of their lives.
A few sweet gifts for a mom or items to invest in as a mother of loss:
Read “Miscarriage” on my own miscarriage experience in 2023.
Final Note:
I want to share my favorite chapter of the Bible to share with those who suffer a miscarriage. This is the same psalm Jesus quotes on the cross. There is anguish and sorrow felt deeply in these words. I think they match the heart cry of a woman experiencing death pass through her body.
Psalm 22
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?
My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, but I find no rest.Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the one Israel praises.
In you our ancestors put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
To you they cried out and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
“He trusts in the Lord,” they say,
“let the Lord rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him.”Yet you brought me out of the womb;
you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
From birth I was cast on you;
from my mother’s womb you have been my God.Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.Many bulls surround me;
strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
Roaring lions that tear their prey
open their mouths wide against me.
I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
it has melted within me.
My mouth is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me in the dust of death.Dogs surround me,
a pack of villains encircles me;
they pierce my hands and my feet.
All my bones are on display;
people stare and gloat over me.
They divide my clothes among them
and cast lots for my garment.But you, Lord, do not be far from me.
You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
Deliver me from the sword,
my precious life from the power of the dogs.
Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
save me from the horns of the wild oxen.I will declare your name to my people;
in the assembly I will praise you.
You who fear the Lord, praise him!
All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
For he has not despised or scorned
the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
but has listened to his cry for help.From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;
before those who fear you I will fulfill my vows.
The poor will eat and be satisfied;
those who seek the Lord will praise him—
may your hearts live forever!All the ends of the earth
will remember and turn to the Lord,
and all the families of the nations
will bow down before him,
for dominion belongs to the Lord
and he rules over the nations.All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—
those who cannot keep themselves alive.
Posterity will serve him;
future generations will be told about the Lord.
They will proclaim his righteousness,
declaring to a people yet unborn:
He has done it!